I have had cancer – prostate cancer. Many people have had cancer. Many much worse than mine and countless now in the embrace of the universe as a result of it.
I have found it difficult. Difficult because cancer has a lack of boundaries; you do not know for sure where it has reached. Is it in my bones? Is it in my lungs? Is it in my liver? Every bit of body it attacks, in my mind, adds a factor of increasing impossibility to eradicate it.
So death, the end of life, rears its head. We all know it is inevitable but I have spent a lot of my life in the perpetual youth theme park. I am not 61 and grey haired with slipping muscles. I am still that much more attractive brown haired guy with the imagined remnants of a six pack who my wife found attractive back then. I am in remission but I worry about each test in case the readings shoot back up. My bones ache – is it the therapy or new cancer. I know what death wants.
But in my head is the chatter we all have but mine keeps recklessly inviting death in for a chat. I don’t like it it wrecks my fantasy of near immortality. It exposes my frailty. It comes to me on my autumn dog walks while I squidge through the dead leaves wrapped against the wind and rain. And while the rain on my face invigorates me I feel such pain in my soul and the aching in my muscles and bones. My heart aches from the drugs and the fear.
So much not done yet! But will I……..
Then my dog bounds up with all his innate energy and joy and I snap back into life. I owe him a lot but much more to my wife and my children and my friends. Thank you love and energy to you all.
Death I don’t want to chat to you. You must wait I am going to chat to life for as many years as possible.